tylenolIt started years ago in High School which for me was a time of freedom and I hadn’t yet disclosed the abuse. It just took one time, it just took one arm stretch and clasp of that pill to begin a journey I had no idea I was in for. We learned about drugs in high school and how ‘weed’ was considered really bad and the “gateway” drug. I remember them explaining the difference between street drugs and doctor drugs. They told us that pharmacies were safe and doctors understood what they were doing.
They said it wasn’t a gateway drug 
Fast forward I am finished high school and I have still managed to continue a pattern of taking more Advil than I should be. I wanted to take more to see if the feeling would increase of euphoria. I knew she had them in her room, my mother. I knew that I had access to something stronger. I wanted the headaches to stop. S oI opened my hand and accepted that white pill that forever changed me.

I was hooked. Addicted. I was a slave to the pill.

It wasn’t long before I went from 1 tylenol to 3 and then to 5 and then to 7.
Two years ago at Pride. I was in a house filled with randoms. Two girls pulled out cocaine and proceeded to ask if I was interested. I wanted to so bad. I wanted to give it a shot. The tylenol weren’t working anymore and I was taking so many. I fought all night in my head about this. I was so close to that moment. I was so close to giving in and asking for more.
And we dancin’ to a song about our face goin’ numb
But I seen homies turn grey, noses draining blood
I could’ve been gone, out 30’s, faded in that tub
I don’t recall at what age I started to be in a constant over dose. To my memory is was around 20 when I really began to misuse the tylenol 1’s. By the time I hit 22 I was taking 5 at a time 3x a day. That is 15 tylenol 1’s a day.

8 tylenol 1’s in a month is considered an overdose. 

I have basically been overdosing for years, just at a functional level that wouldn’t disable me. (on the outside)

It was only this year I came to realized I was addicted, controlled and in this too far to back out. I was going to need professional help.

That is where I am today. I am currently fighting this addiction and battle that is fierce, strong and consistent.

I am no where near recovered in this aspect, in fact I am just a huge open wound.

I have managed to get off 15 a day. I am at a place where I am taking 5 tylenol a day. Which went from my magic number 7-5. That is huge.

Also went from the magic number of 3 times a day to `1. However, right now I am back to taking 2 doses of 5 a day.

The longest I have gone without tylenol is 3 days and that was an attempt to completely withdraw. That process is absolutely brutal and I lost my commitment.
The worst part is that I have gone into a pharmacy day in and day out getting these bottles. I have spent so much money on them and without a second glance. Just a nod to the pharmacist that I have taken them before. With a will in me screaming STOP ME! PLEASE DONT LET ME DO THIS ANYMORE.

They made their 15 dollars on me. That is the purpose.

And these devil’s they keep on talkin’ to me
They screamin’ “open the bottle,” I wanna be at peace
My hand is gripping that throttle, I’m running out of speed
Tryin’ close my eyes but I keep sweatin’ through these sheets, through these sheets
I wanna forge a prescription, cause doctor I need some more of it
When morphine and heroin is more of your a budget
I said I’d never use a needle, but sure, fuck it

I’m caught up, I’m on one, I’m nauseous
No options, exhausted
This is not what I started
Solutions I am working on:
  • I am working on my medical mariguana license 
  • I use lavender essential oils on my temples everyday
  • I am in addictions therapy
  • I started marking it on my calendar, the days I use and how much to keep track.
  • I have gotten all my blood tested (I was very close to severe damage had I not stopped when I did)
  • I am speaking about this, which I have NEVER done.
  • I am finding others that are dealing with this to find support
  • I haven’t bought a bottle of Tylenol 1’s in 6 months or more
  • I have had a successful 7 days with no tylenol at all in the last month. That is a first. 
  • I have begin a headache prevention medication 
  • Beginning massages next semester
I just wanted to personally acknowledge this in myself and to share this as a part of my story, recovery and life. To be honest, if I hadn’t heard Macklemore’s Song. I wouldn’t have the courage to speak about this. I really don’t think I would. I have listened to this song every day, multiple times since it came out.

For the first time in my life, music is saving my life.

I am in a fairly dangerous zone right now. Between pill bottle and needle. I am doing everything in my power to not pick that needle up. This song helps that and drives me to change.

Courage to change the things I can And the wisdom to know the difference

 

They said it wasn’t a gateway drug
My homie was takin’ subs and he ain’t wake up
The whole while, these billionaires, stay caked up
Paying out congress so we take their drugs
Murderers who will never face the judge
And we dancin’ to a song about our face goin’ numb
But I seen homies turn grey, noses draining blood
I could’ve been gone, out 30’s, faded in that tub
That’s Prince, Michael and Whitney, that’s Amy, Ledger and Pimp C
That’s Yams, that’s DJ A.M
God damn they’re making a killing
Now it’s getting attention cause Sara, Katey and Billy
But this shit’s been going one from Seattle out to South Philly
It just moved out about the city
And spread out to the ‘burbs
Now it’s everybody’s problem, got a nation on the verge
Take Activis off the market, jack the price up on the syrup
But Purdue Pharma’s ’bout to move that work

My drug dealer was a doctor, doctor
Had the plug from Big Pharma, Pharma
He said that he would heal me, heal me
But he only gave me problems, problems
My drug dealer was a doctor, doctor
Had the plug from Big Pharma, Pharma
I think he trying to kill me, kill me
He tried to kill me for a dollar, dollar

And these devil’s they keep on talkin’ to me
They screamin’ “open the bottle,” I wanna be at peace
My hand is gripping that throttle, I’m running out of speed
Tryin’ close my eyes but I keep sweatin’ through these sheets, through these sheets
Four horseman, they won’t let me forget
I wanna forge a prescription, cause doctor I need some more of it
When morphine and heroin is more of your a budget
I said I’d never use a needle, but sure, fuck it
I’m caught up, I’m on one, I’m nauseous
No options, exhausted
This is not what I started
Walkin’ carcass, I lost everything I wanted
My blinds drawn, too gone to leave this apartment

My drug dealer was a doctor, doctor
Had the plug from Big Pharma, Pharma
He said that he would heal me, heal me
But he only gave me problems, problems
My drug dealer was a doctor, doctor
Had the plug from Big Pharma, Pharma
I think he trying to kill me, kill me
He tried to kill me for a dollar, dollar

Death certificate signed the prenup
Ain’t no coming back from this percocet
Actavis, ambien, adderral, xanax binge
Best friends with the thing that’s killing me
Enemies with my best friend, there’s no healing me
Refilling these, refilling these
They say it’s death, death
Institutions and DOC’s
So God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
And the wisdom to know the difference

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Posted by:Mikki Decker

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