I am not a medical doctor. I am a woman, who is tired of having her body and voice policed.
This is a very very very personal piece. I am shaking just thinking about posting it but that is because I do not want to be filled with hatred from others based on how I feel.
So please be respectful, patient and understanding.
I am not the favoured opinion, decision, life course or thought.
I am no longer going to hide my true feelings. Please just let me explain.
I don’t remember at what age it all changed but just like I used to think all fathers molested their children and that women could never abuse anyone, the way I saw abortion changed.
I think it started when I began learning about feminism, empowerment, womanhood and interseconality between all of us. When I started to learn about human rights, woman’s rights, and well quite frankly my rights. I also learned about how other women around the world were treated in this issue, and how their bodies were policed, and covered in laws and restrictions.
It was then I realized that I had no right to tell another woman what to do with her body.
I realized it isn’t about you or me…it would be about her.
I can promise you that if I were to get pregnant there is a good change abortion would be discussed.
To know that if he didn’t stop molesting me and I did get pregnant and decided to have an abortion I would have hoped I wouldn’t be treated as the villain.
Or if in the future I ever experience such trauma again and I ended up pregnant. I know what my choice we be. I would hate to be rejected for that.
Why? Why mikki decker why? Because ….the last thing I want in this world is to be a mother. That is something I am proud to know about myself. I know who I am, what I want and desire in this world.
It may not be the same as you. That doesn’t make me less of a woman or human for that matter.
It doesn’t make you better than anyone who decides otherwise.
I grew up with having children being the only goal I had in life. I remember wanting children more than anything. I used to think about being the greatest mom in the world.
…then I disclosed being sexually abused by my father.
Then I broke free, fell a part and found myself. I found a stitched up with patches of wounds I may never heal.
I want to spend my life changing the policy and law to protect our children. I know how. I know what I need to do. I need to do this for me, for you, for our children and for all survivors that never got that protection.
I wouldn’t be a good mother. I know this. No one will ever believe me, and that is fine. I have accepted that. But you will have to accept me not wanting children.
I just know it isn’t in my natural life course to be one. Not this time around anyways.
I belive in past, present and future lives. I actually think one of my past lives have been a mother. I think I was actually incredible and probably one of a kind.
I think I also have a future life where I am a mother. So truth be told. I am not worried. I don’t have that missing piece that most mom’s to be will talk about. That “baby fever” or that desire to go through pregnancy and giving birth to “your own”…however you conceived that baby.
I think it just may be in a different life and a different time. I have found my purpose in this world and life. It just doesn’t happen to involve children of my own.
I am okay with this. Please be okay with this.
I need to make sure as an adult I do whatever it takes to protect that little me that never was.
This all being said. I want to have the right to do all of that. I want the right to not have children and to choose what my value is.
I have never disrespected, judged or criticized any woman for her choice.
If I did want children ever….it would be adoption. As there are too many little souls alone and scared in this world.
I love all the mothers, fathers, care takers and parents in this world. I truly do. I love children. I wouldn’t change having a family or any of that.
I just want everyone to have that choice.
For women like me…it sucks to know people would think such vile things of me for simply wanting a life. For a choice I wanted to make for my own body.
I never got half of mine. I haven’t healed.
There is a high change I would abuse my children. People just look past that because I am a woman and because of who I am. People are at a higher risk to abuse their children if they haven’t healed and are still in the middle of healing their trauma and going through recovery.
Please let me recover.
I am someone who went through childhood sexual abuse and that makes me at high risk if not healed and past my trauma enough to conceive.
I am no where there. I am on my way. I am trying my hardest. I am just tired.
I know so many survivors who are parents and I love them. They are the most incredible mothers I have ever fucking seen. Ever. I look up to them and admire the work they do in this world and the parents they are.
I just know I wouldn’t be that. I want to be so many other things.
These are my thoughts. They are my own. They are real. They may not be the favourite but they are mine.
Please accept them with any open mind and heart